Yes, some couples will
find that true golden love that glows more brightly
as the years pass. These are the “always”
of love, and marriage is their natural state. Some
others will find in marriage a hell so horrible
that contemplating a long life manacled together,
enemies sharing the same bed, makes the celibate
monastic existence look pretty good by comparison.
Obviously, these are the “nevers” of love.
And some others will find both heaven and hell in
their nuptial vows, depending on what aspects of
the marriage are being scrutinized. Charles might
be a delightful animal of a man in bed, but in the
drawing room he is an unbridled beast. Gertrude
might cook wonderful meals but unfortunately she
devours them all herself. These are the sometimes
of love, whose marriages often survive though they
never thrive.
Playing casino games
might not be as much of a gamble as love and marriage,
but it too has its always, nevers and sometimes.
These range from manners and decorum all the way
to which bets to make, how to make them, and which
hands to play and how to play them!
CASINO DECORUM
If you are at a fancy
restaurant, you know not to eat your penne ala vodka
with your hands. It is bad manners. It’s also
disgusting. In casinos, manners count, too. When
you buy into a table game, never hand your money
directly to the dealer. Always put your money on
the felt. Dealers are not allowed to take money,
or anything else, directly from players. Besides,
if you were a dealer, would you want to touch all
those players’ hands? Who knows where they’ve
been!
Never offer advice
to other players about how to play their hands,
or what bets to make, or what games to play. Leave
that to busybody gambling writers such as me. The
only time you should ever consider giving advice
at a table is if you are asked for advice directly,
such as: “Excuse me, sir, should I hit this
hard 20 against the dealer’s 10 upcard?”
Sometimes it is appropriate in such cases to kindly
and gently inform the patron of your opinion: “What
are you, an idiot? You never hit a 20 against anything!”
Never touch the cards
in blackjack games where the cards are dealt face-up.
Make your standing, hitting, splitting and doubling
wishes known by hand signals. Indeed, if you are
the type of player who likes to complain at a table
when you lose, learn American Sign Language, and
use that to “voice” your displeasure and
spare the rest of us at the table your incessant
whining. In games where the cards are dealt face
down to the players always touch them (the cards,
not the players!) -- otherwise the game can’t
progress!
In craps, never touch
the shooter and never say the word “seven”
after the point is established. Doing so will cause
the 7 to come up on average about 17 percent of
the time. Never shove your way onto a crowded craps
table while a roll is in progress. And never throw
money onto the table when the shooter has the dice;
always wait for the dice to be in the middle of
the table under the control of the stickman before
you buy in. Violate those rules and the dreaded
7 might rear its ugly head. It also might result
in a big punch in your face from the professional
wrestler who blames you for bringing on the “devil”
7.
Always hand in your players’ club card when
you buy into a game but never bet more or play longer
than you intended to in order to cage comps. Always
put your players’ club card in the machine
you are playing, but remember to put it into the
right slot -- never put it into the bill changer
as this will seriously affect the ability of the
next player to have his bills changed for credits
and, when the card is found, everyone will know
you were the idiot who screwed up the machine.
Never use the ATM machines
that sprinkle the outskirts of many casinos, as
the fees and interest you pay on that money are
greater than the vig charged by Bent-Nosed Benny,
the beak-breaking bandit from Brooklyn. If you worry
about carrying cash to the casinos, always take
out a line of credit at the casinos where you intend
to play. These are interest free loans. Always pay
them back.
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