Fast cars, fast women,
fast food.
At first these things might sound intriguing and
our society sells them as such. Certainly, the commercials
for all those cars zooming down the highways of
commercialville, taking hairpin turns at lightning
speeds, music blaring in the background, cool-looking,
sun-glassed dude at the wheel, might give you the
desire to imitate them. And today’s movie stars
are not known for their virtuous natures and would,
in another era, be considered fast women. Certainly
many modern day young women might want to emulate
such stars in their dress (or undress), and in the
pieces of metal they hammer into eyebrow, nose,
lip, tongue, tummy and reproductive parts. Today’s
young woman might also want to emulate the modern
movie star’s moral sensitivities as well.
And
teenagers just love fast food. So do adults. And so
do the doctors who will get to treat all those future,
fat, fatigued, and flustered heart patients who made
a steady diet of artery-clogging fast-food “meat”
– if that is what the greasy brown thing is between
those buns. Here’s a truth: In most cases, fast
is bad! Fast cars don’t have fender bender accidents
when they’re revving down the winding roads; they
have body breakers.
You die in them; you
don’t just get bruised. They don’t show
that truth in the commercials. It wouldn’t
look good, seeing that handsome young actor in sunglasses
splattered all over I-95. That’s why the commercials
about fast cars always have a teeny-tiny disclaimer
at the bottom saying that normal humans shouldn’t
try driving this way, this is only professionals
(which is really scary because the death rate for
professional drivers is greater than the death rate
for amateurs!). Of
course, driving fast can be thrilling until you
hit the wall, or the tree, or the other car filled
with an innocent family tooling along to grandma’s
house. Fast women are the first, favorite and fastest
to get various sexually transmitted diseases (especially
the new, improved and lethal ones), given to them
by fast, fistula-packing men; and such ladies are
the first to get pregnant and have to decide between
an abortion or a baby they can ill afford to raise.
Nice choice. Fast is bad for women. Yes, some fast
times can be fun until you hit the clinic because
some disease, condition or fist just hit you. In
truth, there is no upside to fast living –
it just quickens despair and, perhaps, death. Neither
is much fun, I’m told. And all this holds true
for less important things than life and death, like
slot machines. Last issue I showed clearly how a
slot player, pumping through three one-dollar coins
per five seconds, could lose ten times as much per
hour as a basic strategy blackjack player playing
$25 a hand. This isn’t something slot players
are generally aware of, the incredible impact of
house edges that range from 5 to 15 percent on their
small investments. Just as someone can slow down
the speed of a car, despite the car commercial’s
insistence that this car was “built for speed,”
so too can a slot player slow down the speed at
which he plays, and loses, his money. Doing so will
not decrease your pleasure at being in the casino
and taking your chance with Lady Luck, unless your
pleasure is to actually lose ten times more money
than a $25 blackjack player.
Here’s how to
go slow at the slots:
You must choose the right machines to play. Avoid
all machines that come in with high house edges.
But which are those? Any machine that is linked
to other machines will tend to be tighter than machines
that stand alone. Is this always true? No. It just
almost always true. Look to play a single dollar
in the machines, even machines that give you a bit
of a reward on the big jackpot line for playing
full coin. The difference between full coin and
one coin in most slot machines is, at best, a half
percent or less. You are betting three times as
much money to get a half percent less edge.
Watch how that works:
Say you have a stand-alone, one-dollar machine that
pays back 95 percent of all the money put through
it if you play three coins, but this same machine
will only return 94.5 percent of all the money put
through it if you play one coin.
Playing three coins, you’ll put through $2160
per hour (12 spins per minute) and your expected
loss will be (in the long run) $108. If you play
one coin, you’ll put through $720 per hour
and your expected loss is $39.60. Yes, if you hit
the jackpot, you’d make a better score but
those few and far between jackpots just aren’t
worth the tiny, extra percentage that the house
gives you for playing full coin.
Next, why play at such
a fast clip? Reduce the number of spins from 12
a minute down to 6 a minute. Everything gets reduced
in half by doing so. The way to reduce the number
of decisions in half is simply to take a deep breath
and never press the spin button until you count
to five – one thousand one, one thousand two,
one thousand three, one thousand four, one thousand
five. The tendency for most slot players is to start
off at a moderate pace and then, as their adrenaline
is pumping, to pick up the pace. You don’t
want to fall into that trap because you want to
be able to return to the casinos time and time again
for your slot-playing thrills. And in the world
of slot play, slot will be, in the long run, the
most thrilling way to metaphorically drive that
car. And low men and women will keep their bankrolls
healthy. And then when you get those comps to the
buffet or café, eat a salad. To heck with
fast cars, fast women, fast food – and fast
play on slot machines.
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Columns By Franki Scoblete
